SCREAMING IN ALL CAPS

Categories BOOB TUBE ANIMALS! CONCESSIONS TO THE PATRIARCHY MISCELLANEOUS PISS OFFS OUR BODIES, OURSELVES RAPE CULTURE SHE SAID, HE SAID, SHE SAID THE WORLD GETS IT RIGHT WORDS HAVE MEANINGS

BOOB TUBE

ANIMALS!

CONCESSIONS TO THE PATRIARCHY

MISCELLANEOUS PISS OFFS

OUR BODIES, OURSELVES

RAPE CULTURE

SHE SAID, HE SAID, SHE SAID

THE WORLD GETS IT RIGHT

WORDS HAVE MEANINGS

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I listen to mainstream radio while driving because I am 100 years old, which means I hear the same songs over and over and over again. Some I don’t mind. Others annoy me greatly yet are virtually impossible to avoid.

Rude , by Canadian pop-reggae band MAGIC! (yes, it’s spelled in all caps and with an exclamation mark because originality) is currently one of those annoying songs played on every station ALL THE TIME. It’s bothersome mainly because of its lyrics.

The song’s premise concerns a young man who decides to ask his girlfriend’s father for permission to propose marriage, something that remains a popular tradition for many folks in our culture, and it plays out like a conversation, with the lead singer switching back and forth between the two characters’ voices.

Spoiler alert: I am not a fan of this tradition.

The act of asking a woman’s father for her hand in marriage prior to popping the Big Question to her is just one of a vast number of gross patriarchal customs related to marriage. (Indeed, though I have been known to enjoy a wedding – especially when an open bar is involved – I find the whole concept of marriage and all the details that go along with it to be highly problematic .

This particular custom serves to reinforce the notion of women as chattel, i.e., possessions to be passed along from original owner to new owner as said owners see fit (see also: the equally offensive tradition that is a woman’s father ‘giving her away’ during a wedding ceremony).

Not cool.

Also not cool is the message such an act sends about the importance — or lack thereof — that our society places on a woman’s agency over, what is ostensibly, a fairly big life choice.

Shouldn’t she be one of the people deciding whether or not she is getting married? (THAT IS A HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION.) Like, what if Daddy-o says no? Is she then not ‘allowed’ to exercise her own free will?

Lucky for us, MAGIC! explores THIS EXACT SCENARIO!

Rude begins on a Saturday morning.

“Jumped out of bed and put on my best suit,” recounts our hero.

“Got in my car and raced like a jet, all the way to you.

Knocked on your door with heart in my hand

To ask you a question.”

Now at this point you might think that he’s talking about showing up on the doorstep of the woman he loves. BUT THE JOKE’S ON YOU BECAUSE HE’S ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT HER DAD.

A dad, he notes, who is “an old-fashioned man.” (It’s unclear as to whether that’s supposed to be a compliment or just a neutral observation or what.)

Asks the would-be groom: “Can I have your daughter for the rest of my life? Say yes, say yes, ’cause I need to know.”

Things don’t go well.

“You say I’ll never get your blessing ’til the day I die

Tough luck, my friend, but the answer is no!”

Note whose voice is missing in this riveting exchange. Note, too, the specific word choice used and what it tells us about our culture’s understanding of gender roles; who gets to have power and who gets to play silent partner on the sidelines.

Dude is asking to “have” another human being for the rest of his life. Everything is framed in the context of what he wants, when and for how long. Why, it’s as if the woman’s wants — sorry, the “girl’s” wants (God forbid she be granted adult status in this pop-reggae fairytale) – doesn’t even register!

Clearly, when it comes to a man and a woman getting engaged, consulting with the woman is not necessary. No, this is between a man and another man. IMPORTANT MAN BUSINESS.

When continuing to listen to Rude with feminist ears, the song’s chorus is ridiculous:

“Why you gotta be so rude?

Don’t you know I’m human too?

Why you gotta be so rude?

I’m gonna marry her anyway.”

HIS FEE-FEES ARE HURT, EVERYONE. DOESN’T THIS MEAN DAD REALIZE THAT HE’S A HUMAN BEING WITH DESIRES?! WELL FUCK YOU DAD CAUSE THIS DUDE IS JUST GOING TO MARRY ‘HIS’ GIRL ANYWAY. SO THERE.

The kick in the snapper is that Rude is presented as a love song. (Certainly, it’s portrayed as such in the video . (Warning: it is a terrible video.)

Call me a humourless feminist (GO ON I DARE YOU) but I don’t find scenarios like this one romantic in the slightest.

Helen on March 29, 2015 at 2:44 AM It’s just a tradition. Some people choose to follow, some don’t. He would then go ‘pop the question’ and she can choose if she wants to say yes or no!

It’s just a tradition. Some people choose to follow, some don’t. He would then go ‘pop the question’ and she can choose if she wants to say yes or no!

Kris on February 13, 2015 at 5:39 AM Good to know I’m not the only person with a strong dislike for this awful, awful tune. Though to be honest, casting aside any feministic notions – I mainly hate it because the singer thinks “rude” rhymes with “too”. A plastic song for plastic people.

Good to know I’m not the only person with a strong dislike for this awful, awful tune. Though to be honest, casting aside any feministic notions – I mainly hate it because the singer thinks “rude” rhymes with “too”.

A plastic song for plastic people.

Ariya on January 31, 2015 at 12:40 PM Um this is a song about a girl who wants to marry a guy and a dad who doesn’t support interracial marriage. Kris on February 13, 2015 at 5:40 AM Why would you type “um”?

Ariya on January 31, 2015 at 12:40 PM Um this is a song about a girl who wants to marry a guy and a dad who doesn’t support interracial marriage.

Um this is a song about a girl who wants to marry a guy and a dad who doesn’t support interracial marriage.

Kris on February 13, 2015 at 5:40 AM Why would you type “um”?

Why would you type “um”?

Wendy on January 10, 2015 at 2:24 PM My son really loves his girlfriend and she loves him have known each other for 2 years. Her parent don’t want my son because he is brown and she is white. My son wants to marry her but the father says no he is not comfortable. Kris on February 13, 2015 at 5:41 AM I think today’s “not true story of the day award” definitely goes to you.

My son really loves his girlfriend and she loves him have known each other for 2 years. Her parent don’t want my son because he is brown and she is white. My son wants to marry her but the father says no he is not comfortable.

Kris on February 13, 2015 at 5:41 AM I think today’s “not true story of the day award” definitely goes to you.

I think today’s “not true story of the day award” definitely goes to you.

Jack Daniels on October 19, 2014 at 1:22 PM Or perhaps it’s just a song and people should lighten up a little bit. Not everything has to be meaningful or symbolic. It’s a radical crazy opinion I know

Or perhaps it’s just a song and people should lighten up a little bit. Not everything has to be meaningful or symbolic. It’s a radical crazy opinion I know

Wolfymode on October 13, 2014 at 2:48 PM Not a humorless feminist; just one that takes an irrelevant stance here.

Not a humorless feminist; just one that takes an irrelevant stance here.

Laura on September 20, 2014 at 7:52 PM This song is about how parents shouldn’t decide who their adult children get to marry. There’s no evidence that the guy is forcing this girl to marry him. Watch the music video. The girl clearly consents. Stop with the excuses. Samantha on November 8, 2014 at 12:06 AM Exactly what I. Was just saying..

This song is about how parents shouldn’t decide who their adult children get to marry. There’s no evidence that the guy is forcing this girl to marry him.

Watch the music video. The girl clearly consents.

Stop with the excuses.

Samantha on November 8, 2014 at 12:06 AM Exactly what I. Was just saying..

Exactly what I. Was just saying..

Debbie on September 17, 2014 at 6:36 AM Great article! Since you do listen to pop music, I recommend Todd in the Shadows review of this song. He brings up some other interesting points as well. Plus all of his reviews are excellent and very entertaining! http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/teamt/tis/tpsr/43979-rude-by-magic

Great article! Since you do listen to pop music, I recommend Todd in the Shadows review of this song. He brings up some other interesting points as well. Plus all of his reviews are excellent and very entertaining!

http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/teamt/tis/tpsr/43979-rude-by-magic

froot on September 4, 2014 at 12:28 PM thank you for this note. perfectly said x

thank you for this note. perfectly said x

xxrtyg on September 1, 2014 at 1:46 AM The fact that you care this much about a stupid pop song is sad. I highly doubt the writers of this song feel that way about women anyways. 😛

The fact that you care this much about a stupid pop song is sad. I highly doubt the writers of this song feel that way about women anyways. 😛

Sarah Luzietti on August 6, 2014 at 12:08 AM Dear Marlo, You literally wrote verbatim how I feel about this song. I…think you’re awesome! You honestly took the words right out of my mouth. So refreshing to read! As a musician and a feminist, I applaud you. Thank you for a thoughtful and intelligent point of view!

Dear Marlo, You literally wrote verbatim how I feel about this song. I…think you’re awesome! You honestly took the words right out of my mouth. So refreshing to read! As a musician and a feminist, I applaud you. Thank you for a thoughtful and intelligent point of view!

bl on July 31, 2014 at 11:42 PM I have seen three separate occasions in my family in which a young woman (niece and cousins) married, and got preggers by, a total and complete scumbag. Within two years each time the young lady and her kid were back with the parents (ex Hubby’s in prison or back on dope). It is not possession it is protection. I have a ten year old daughter and will do anything I can to protect her. Why is that misogynistic? Marlo on August 7, 2014 at 11:49 PM We all care for our daughters, sisters, nieces, aunts or other female relatives. We all want to protect those we love. But we don’t own them. If they want to marry and have children with some scumbag, that is their choice. To demand that grown women receive their father’s (or anyone else’s) permission before marrying some dude is to infantilize them and deny them of their own personal agency and bodily autonomy. That, for sure, perpetuates the patriarchy. And, one could argue, that perpetuates misogyny. Because the first step towards oppressing a group of people as a lesser class is to deny them their own humanity. bl on August 17, 2014 at 7:01 AM Well Marlo, you’re correct that it is her choice as an independent adult. However, when Nick or Mario or Mando or whoever beats the girl up and vanishes leaving her with a baby still in diapers, guess who gets to deal with the trauma and financially support that independent person? …or would YOU be able to tell YOUR independent daughter that she made the choice and she (and your infantry grandchild) just have to figure it out? Would ykj same the same if I didn’t give my support to my son’s choice for the same reason? In this case, though,..I am referring to young women in their early twenties that are still attracted to yo-yo-yo thug type bad guys. Marty on August 21, 2014 at 9:10 AM Then the parents can try to intervene in this situation; what does it have to do with the tradition? Sounds like you are arguing against women’s free will to me; justifying the notion that there should be a paternal gate keeper because women are inherently attracted to scumbags (a sexist myth in itself). If you don’t like your daughter’s choice then sure, it’s fine to have a heart to heart with her about it, he can have some sway, but it’s not okay to even insinuate that a father has final approval over who his daughter marries or that a man needs to consult him before even asking the woman. That’s what you would do before taking someone’s car, a daughter is not a possession that required express consent from its owner before using. On a lighter note, I’m sure the dad in the song is saying no because the guy is in an all white Canadian reggae band with a terrible name for a living. Jeff on November 13, 2014 at 5:02 PM The singer is middle eastern. Not exactly white.

I have seen three separate occasions in my family in which a young woman (niece and cousins) married, and got preggers by, a total and complete scumbag. Within two years each time the young lady and her kid were back with the parents (ex Hubby’s in prison or back on dope). It is not possession it is protection. I have a ten year old daughter and will do anything I can to protect her. Why is that misogynistic?

Marlo on August 7, 2014 at 11:49 PM We all care for our daughters, sisters, nieces, aunts or other female relatives. We all want to protect those we love. But we don’t own them. If they want to marry and have children with some scumbag, that is their choice. To demand that grown women receive their father’s (or anyone else’s) permission before marrying some dude is to infantilize them and deny them of their own personal agency and bodily autonomy. That, for sure, perpetuates the patriarchy. And, one could argue, that perpetuates misogyny. Because the first step towards oppressing a group of people as a lesser class is to deny them their own humanity. bl on August 17, 2014 at 7:01 AM Well Marlo, you’re correct that it is her choice as an independent adult. However, when Nick or Mario or Mando or whoever beats the girl up and vanishes leaving her with a baby still in diapers, guess who gets to deal with the trauma and financially support that independent person? …or would YOU be able to tell YOUR independent daughter that she made the choice and she (and your infantry grandchild) just have to figure it out? Would ykj same the same if I didn’t give my support to my son’s choice for the same reason? In this case, though,..I am referring to young women in their early twenties that are still attracted to yo-yo-yo thug type bad guys. Marty on August 21, 2014 at 9:10 AM Then the parents can try to intervene in this situation; what does it have to do with the tradition? Sounds like you are arguing against women’s free will to me; justifying the notion that there should be a paternal gate keeper because women are inherently attracted to scumbags (a sexist myth in itself). If you don’t like your daughter’s choice then sure, it’s fine to have a heart to heart with her about it, he can have some sway, but it’s not okay to even insinuate that a father has final approval over who his daughter marries or that a man needs to consult him before even asking the woman. That’s what you would do before taking someone’s car, a daughter is not a possession that required express consent from its owner before using. On a lighter note, I’m sure the dad in the song is saying no because the guy is in an all white Canadian reggae band with a terrible name for a living. Jeff on November 13, 2014 at 5:02 PM The singer is middle eastern. Not exactly white.

We all care for our daughters, sisters, nieces, aunts or other female relatives. We all want to protect those we love. But we don’t own them. If they want to marry and have children with some scumbag, that is their choice. To demand that grown women receive their father’s (or anyone else’s) permission before marrying some dude is to infantilize them and deny them of their own personal agency and bodily autonomy. That, for sure, perpetuates the patriarchy. And, one could argue, that perpetuates misogyny. Because the first step towards oppressing a group of people as a lesser class is to deny them their own humanity.

bl on August 17, 2014 at 7:01 AM Well Marlo, you’re correct that it is her choice as an independent adult. However, when Nick or Mario or Mando or whoever beats the girl up and vanishes leaving her with a baby still in diapers, guess who gets to deal with the trauma and financially support that independent person? …or would YOU be able to tell YOUR independent daughter that she made the choice and she (and your infantry grandchild) just have to figure it out? Would ykj same the same if I didn’t give my support to my son’s choice for the same reason? In this case, though,..I am referring to young women in their early twenties that are still attracted to yo-yo-yo thug type bad guys. Marty on August 21, 2014 at 9:10 AM Then the parents can try to intervene in this situation; what does it have to do with the tradition? Sounds like you are arguing against women’s free will to me; justifying the notion that there should be a paternal gate keeper because women are inherently attracted to scumbags (a sexist myth in itself). If you don’t like your daughter’s choice then sure, it’s fine to have a heart to heart with her about it, he can have some sway, but it’s not okay to even insinuate that a father has final approval over who his daughter marries or that a man needs to consult him before even asking the woman. That’s what you would do before taking someone’s car, a daughter is not a possession that required express consent from its owner before using. On a lighter note, I’m sure the dad in the song is saying no because the guy is in an all white Canadian reggae band with a terrible name for a living. Jeff on November 13, 2014 at 5:02 PM The singer is middle eastern. Not exactly white.

Well Marlo, you’re correct that it is her choice as an independent adult. However, when Nick or Mario or Mando or whoever beats the girl up and vanishes leaving her with a baby still in diapers, guess who gets to deal with the trauma and financially support that independent person? …or would YOU be able to tell YOUR independent daughter that she made the choice and she (and your infantry grandchild) just have to figure it out? Would ykj same the same if I didn’t give my support to my son’s choice for the same reason? In this case, though,..I am referring to young women in their early twenties that are still attracted to yo-yo-yo thug type bad guys.

Marty on August 21, 2014 at 9:10 AM Then the parents can try to intervene in this situation; what does it have to do with the tradition? Sounds like you are arguing against women’s free will to me; justifying the notion that there should be a paternal gate keeper because women are inherently attracted to scumbags (a sexist myth in itself). If you don’t like your daughter’s choice then sure, it’s fine to have a heart to heart with her about it, he can have some sway, but it’s not okay to even insinuate that a father has final approval over who his daughter marries or that a man needs to consult him before even asking the woman. That’s what you would do before taking someone’s car, a daughter is not a possession that required express consent from its owner before using. On a lighter note, I’m sure the dad in the song is saying no because the guy is in an all white Canadian reggae band with a terrible name for a living. Jeff on November 13, 2014 at 5:02 PM The singer is middle eastern. Not exactly white.

Then the parents can try to intervene in this situation; what does it have to do with the tradition? Sounds like you are arguing against women’s free will to me; justifying the notion that there should be a paternal gate keeper because women are inherently attracted to scumbags (a sexist myth in itself). If you don’t like your daughter’s choice then sure, it’s fine to have a heart to heart with her about it, he can have some sway, but it’s not okay to even insinuate that a father has final approval over who his daughter marries or that a man needs to consult him before even asking the woman. That’s what you would do before taking someone’s car, a daughter is not a possession that required express consent from its owner before using.

On a lighter note, I’m sure the dad in the song is saying no because the guy is in an all white Canadian reggae band with a terrible name for a living.

Jeff on November 13, 2014 at 5:02 PM The singer is middle eastern. Not exactly white.

The singer is middle eastern. Not exactly white.

tim on July 31, 2014 at 7:41 AM Never even occurred to me to ask the father of my wife ,and, I’d laugh in the face of a man who asked me for my daughters hand stupid old fashioned custom.

Never even occurred to me to ask the father of my wife ,and, I’d laugh in the face of a man who asked me for my daughters hand stupid old fashioned custom.

jesseo on July 19, 2014 at 3:33 PM Whatever you do, don’t watch the video. Unless, of course, you want to debunk your whole misguided theory of the song’s mysoginy, because that’s what it would do. The guy makes an effort to placate an “old fashioned” man from a different era of not-so-equality because he’s being the bigger person, not because he’s being sexist. He clearly doesn’t think they need dad’s permission. The video makes it evident that the girlfriend is in on it the whole time, and the singer is asking out of politeness, not because he and the father are lording over the entire female gender. It’s good to have your radar up for feminist issues, but in this case, it’s misguided. Marlo on August 7, 2014 at 11:36 PM Well thank goodness this song explores the never-been-done-before narrative of some dude placating the retrograde patriarchal notions of some other dude. Taking the high road and such. Being the bigger person. And I watched the video. The girlfriend is totally in on it! Except, you know, that she’s granted no agency in the song lyrics and visually, is used, basically, like a prop throughout the video. (Objectification: it’s a real thing.) I especially love how she changed from her “demure girl” outfit to her “YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME” outfit. Which happens to be a sexy outfit. A coincidence, I’m sure. Also: I would suggest that asking a gown woman’s father for permission to marry her is not “politeness.” It is complicity.

Whatever you do, don’t watch the video. Unless, of course, you want to debunk your whole misguided theory of the song’s mysoginy, because that’s what it would do. The guy makes an effort to placate an “old fashioned” man from a different era of not-so-equality because he’s being the bigger person, not because he’s being sexist. He clearly doesn’t think they need dad’s permission. The video makes it evident that the girlfriend is in on it the whole time, and the singer is asking out of politeness, not because he and the father are lording over the entire female gender. It’s good to have your radar up for feminist issues, but in this case, it’s misguided.

Marlo on August 7, 2014 at 11:36 PM Well thank goodness this song explores the never-been-done-before narrative of some dude placating the retrograde patriarchal notions of some other dude. Taking the high road and such. Being the bigger person. And I watched the video. The girlfriend is totally in on it! Except, you know, that she’s granted no agency in the song lyrics and visually, is used, basically, like a prop throughout the video. (Objectification: it’s a real thing.) I especially love how she changed from her “demure girl” outfit to her “YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME” outfit. Which happens to be a sexy outfit. A coincidence, I’m sure. Also: I would suggest that asking a gown woman’s father for permission to marry her is not “politeness.” It is complicity.

Well thank goodness this song explores the never-been-done-before narrative of some dude placating the retrograde patriarchal notions of some other dude. Taking the high road and such. Being the bigger person. And I watched the video. The girlfriend is totally in on it! Except, you know, that she’s granted no agency in the song lyrics and visually, is used, basically, like a prop throughout the video. (Objectification: it’s a real thing.) I especially love how she changed from her “demure girl” outfit to her “YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME” outfit. Which happens to be a sexy outfit. A coincidence, I’m sure.

Also: I would suggest that asking a gown woman’s father for permission to marry her is not “politeness.” It is complicity.

Victoria on July 19, 2014 at 9:43 AM Thank you for this! I feel like I’m the only one bothered by this song’s lyrics. I’m surprised people don’t realize the blatant misogyny in it, I suppose it’s just become internalized. Traditions are not questioned, they are simply followed. To the people defending this outdated nonsense, I have one question: why is it never the woman asking her boyfriend’s parent’s permission to marry their son? Why don’t we argue that a man’s father still sees his son as his “little boy” and he “knows what’s best” for his son? When the roles are reversed, it seems ridiculous, no? Then why shouldn’t it be ridiculous for a man to ask his girlfriend’s father for her hand in marriage? This tradition is the result of a patriarchal system in which women were seen as property. If they are not seen as property today, then what is the purpose of this tradition? Why must we continue to infantilize women while men get free agency? M on July 27, 2014 at 2:04 AM I would be perfectly fine if women took over the asking! But it’s not always asking the parent’s permission as much as their blessing or their input. I think it’s better to ask the parents (not just the father or mother) for their input than to just announce you are getting married, so the family feels included. But the patriarchy isn’t entirely male-driven. I think most women prefer the man to ask them to marry, and men would rather do away with that pressure. It makes men look like the desperate, love-seekers, which makes marriage a little sexist in that way. Other men prefer to ask so it depends. If the patriarchy is going to change, there needs to be more balance in the asking.

Thank you for this! I feel like I’m the only one bothered by this song’s lyrics. I’m surprised people don’t realize the blatant misogyny in it, I suppose it’s just become internalized. Traditions are not questioned, they are simply followed.

To the people defending this outdated nonsense, I have one question: why is it never the woman asking her boyfriend’s parent’s permission to marry their son? Why don’t we argue that a man’s father still sees his son as his “little boy” and he “knows what’s best” for his son? When the roles are reversed, it seems ridiculous, no? Then why shouldn’t it be ridiculous for a man to ask his girlfriend’s father for her hand in marriage?

This tradition is the result of a patriarchal system in which women were seen as property. If they are not seen as property today, then what is the purpose of this tradition? Why must we continue to infantilize women while men get free agency?

M on July 27, 2014 at 2:04 AM I would be perfectly fine if women took over the asking! But it’s not always asking the parent’s permission as much as their blessing or their input. I think it’s better to ask the parents (not just the father or mother) for their input than to just announce you are getting married, so the family feels included. But the patriarchy isn’t entirely male-driven. I think most women prefer the man to ask them to marry, and men would rather do away with that pressure. It makes men look like the desperate, love-seekers, which makes marriage a little sexist in that way. Other men prefer to ask so it depends. If the patriarchy is going to change, there needs to be more balance in the asking.

I would be perfectly fine if women took over the asking! But it’s not always asking the parent’s permission as much as their blessing or their input. I think it’s better to ask the parents (not just the father or mother) for their input than to just announce you are getting married, so the family feels included. But the patriarchy isn’t entirely male-driven. I think most women prefer the man to ask them to marry, and men would rather do away with that pressure. It makes men look like the desperate, love-seekers, which makes marriage a little sexist in that way. Other men prefer to ask so it depends. If the patriarchy is going to change, there needs to be more balance in the asking.

Marlo on July 16, 2014 at 3:11 PM Hi everyone, thanks for your comments. I have to admit, I’ve been surprised that this post is the one getting all the comments – including feedback from people who feel compelled to call me fat and angry and this post “why no one takes feminism seriously” (hahaha). Upon reflection, I think maybe the reason this has struck a chord is because the asking-for-permission thing is something a lot of people have romanticized as part of our cultural narrative with respect to marriage. Unlike, say, violent assault, which most people at least pretend to abhor, this tradition seems to trigger people’s defensiveness – maybe because it hits closer to home, in that they want to participate in it and are having trouble with the cognitive dissonance of desiring something that props up patriarchy? A theory, anyway.

Hi everyone, thanks for your comments. I have to admit, I’ve been surprised that this post is the one getting all the comments – including feedback from people who feel compelled to call me fat and angry and this post “why no one takes feminism seriously” (hahaha).

Upon reflection, I think maybe the reason this has struck a chord is because the asking-for-permission thing is something a lot of people have romanticized as part of our cultural narrative with respect to marriage. Unlike, say, violent assault, which most people at least pretend to abhor, this tradition seems to trigger people’s defensiveness – maybe because it hits closer to home, in that they want to participate in it and are having trouble with the cognitive dissonance of desiring something that props up patriarchy? A theory, anyway.

David on July 16, 2014 at 2:35 PM I COMPLETELY agree with everything you’ve written!

I COMPLETELY agree with everything you’ve written!

Robyn on July 16, 2014 at 7:53 AM A search for the female response was what brought me here. I wish I was a songwriter!

A search for the female response was what brought me here. I wish I was a songwriter!

Tanya D on July 15, 2014 at 9:53 AM Took the words right out of my mouth. Don’t even get me started on the Father response version which is now making the round on youtube. We need the female response that tells both men to back off and let her make her own decisions. MsMarfinkle on July 16, 2014 at 11:52 AM BOOM. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwXHS7ywXLM MsMarfinkle on July 16, 2014 at 11:53 AM I had the same reaction, which is why I made the video. Admittedly, I only had enough creative juice to muster one verse addressing the boyfriend. I’ll have to get the dad next time…

Took the words right out of my mouth. Don’t even get me started on the Father response version which is now making the round on youtube. We need the female response that tells both men to back off and let her make her own decisions.

MsMarfinkle on July 16, 2014 at 11:52 AM BOOM. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwXHS7ywXLM MsMarfinkle on July 16, 2014 at 11:53 AM I had the same reaction, which is why I made the video. Admittedly, I only had enough creative juice to muster one verse addressing the boyfriend. I’ll have to get the dad next time…

MsMarfinkle on July 16, 2014 at 11:52 AM BOOM. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwXHS7ywXLM

BOOM. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwXHS7ywXLM

MsMarfinkle on July 16, 2014 at 11:53 AM I had the same reaction, which is why I made the video. Admittedly, I only had enough creative juice to muster one verse addressing the boyfriend. I’ll have to get the dad next time…

I had the same reaction, which is why I made the video. Admittedly, I only had enough creative juice to muster one verse addressing the boyfriend. I’ll have to get the dad next time…

Jen on July 3, 2014 at 11:49 AM Hey team. Friendly neighbourhood mod, here, reminding folks to take a look at our Commenting Guidelines, posted here: http://screaminginallcaps.com/commenting-guidelines/ . Comments that do not follow these guidelines simply will not be posted. Thank you.

Hey team. Friendly neighbourhood mod, here, reminding folks to take a look at our Commenting Guidelines, posted here: http://screaminginallcaps.com/commenting-guidelines/ . Comments that do not follow these guidelines simply will not be posted. Thank you.

Lisa on July 2, 2014 at 9:39 PM I think that a dad might still want to be asked for “permission” nowadays because well, (assuming he’s raised his daughter for her whole childhood) that’s his little girl, even if she is grown up and on her own. just because the guy is asking to “have” her as his wife does not make her property. the fact that they still get married anyways just shows that she’s not anyone’s property. I can’t even imagine a dad saying no these days, just because it is kind of outdated, but i think that men who still ask the dad first are respectful, and if dad doesn’t like him, then tough luck to dad.

I think that a dad might still want to be asked for “permission” nowadays because well, (assuming he’s raised his daughter for her whole childhood) that’s his little girl, even if she is grown up and on her own. just because the guy is asking to “have” her as his wife does not make her property. the fact that they still get married anyways just shows that she’s not anyone’s property. I can’t even imagine a dad saying no these days, just because it is kind of outdated, but i think that men who still ask the dad first are respectful, and if dad doesn’t like him, then tough luck to dad.

Delilah on June 10, 2014 at 5:20 PM I want to know why the dad says no…. It’s not like he says they are too young or not ready, “never have my blessing til the day I die, tough luck my friend the answer is no”. That says something serious about the boyfriend’s character to me…

I want to know why the dad says no…. It’s not like he says they are too young or not ready, “never have my blessing til the day I die, tough luck my friend the answer is no”. That says something serious about the boyfriend’s character to me…

B33n on June 8, 2014 at 5:46 AM Omg I agree with you 110%! I cannot believe how mainstream society doesn’t seem to notice how misogynist our world view is despite the perceived growth in equality.

Omg I agree with you 110%! I cannot believe how mainstream society doesn’t seem to notice how misogynist our world view is despite the perceived growth in equality.

kittys on June 2, 2014 at 7:48 PM This song makes me mad every time I listen to it. I agree with everything you’ve written!

This song makes me mad every time I listen to it. I agree with everything you’ve written!

princesslala95 on April 30, 2014 at 2:44 PM I should probably clarify, that last comment wasn’t to contradict anything that was said by your or your commenters, but rather, to offer another reason that the song is rude and annoying in addition to the ones you presented.

I should probably clarify, that last comment wasn’t to contradict anything that was said by your or your commenters, but rather, to offer another reason that the song is rude and annoying in addition to the ones you presented.

princesslala95 on April 30, 2014 at 2:42 PM My boyfriend plans to ask my dad before marrying me not because he sees me as property, not because he wants to “make me his” because I currently “belong to my family”, but out of respect for my family and their wishes regarding my happiness, safety, and welfare. He knows that when he asks me, I’ll say yes, but if my dad were to tell him no, instead of going ahead and getting married, I’d want him to find out WHY. Asking the dad is simply seeking to ensure that the girl’s family approves of you – you could just as easily ask the girl’s mother, which I’ve known people to do and I know my boyfriend would do if my dad was out of the picture. Parents always know what’s best for their children, and while they can’t stop her from marrying him if she wants to, they can still express their opinion – if her dad has a major problem with the guy that leads to him saying that they don’t have his blessing, obviously this problem is significant. If it was a mere personality clash that led the dad to say no, then he’d just be caring more about his pride than his daughter’s happiness, but a dad who cares about his daughter would look at whether she’d be happy, loved, appreciated, and safe in the relationship rather than his own pride. Obviously, assuming the dad in the song isn’t just being a jerk, there’s something wrong with the guy asking to marry the daughter and he genuinely doesn’t want the kid to marry her because he feels her happiness or safety would be jeopardized. So instead of stopping to find out why her dad actually feels this way and trying to fix it, he decides that he doesn’t care – she’s in love with him, so obviously he’s entitled to her hand in marriage even though her family, the ones who have loved and cared about her since before she even met this guy, don’t approve. That’s what bothers me about the song. Why would you ask him if you’re not going to take his answer as constructive criticism? If my dad told my boyfriend “no”, I wouldn’t marry him until we get that sorted out, because obviously daddy would have a good reason for giving such an answer. I would never marry someone if my family didn’t approve, no matter how much I may love them or want to be with them, until we work out what ever the problem may be. This kid in the song goes to the dad expecting everything to go easy-breezy – do the old-fashioned thing, make the dad happy, get brownie points because you asked him like you knew he would want you to. It doesn’t matter if you asked her or not yet, it really doesn’t – just because the dad gives his blessing doesn’t mean she’ll say yes, so the dad and boyfriend aren’t really deciding whether she’ll get married or anything. If she’s dating the guy then there’s no reason he can’t ask her to marry him, she ultimately has the final say. Anyways, the dad says no, and the kid flips out and gets mad and decides he’s gonna marry her anyways, regardless what the dad says. That’s so rude, going and asking him just to make him happy and then not respecting his answer and trying to fix the thing about yourself that makes him disapprove. How do you know you don’t have a major temper problem that you’ve never noticed because it’s just your personality but he has noticed? There are tons of reasons why the dad might have said no, instead of just throwing a temper tantrum, writing a rude song about it, and then marrying her anyways, why not be the bigger person and take responsibility for your actions, find out why he doesn’t care for you, and work things out with him before casting him in the role of your father-in-law? SP on July 7, 2014 at 11:59 PM “My boyfriend plans to ask my dad … out of respect for my family … you could just as easily ask the girl’s mother, which I’ve known people to do and I know my boyfriend would do if my dad was out of the picture.” Why does your dad have to be out of the picture for him to ask your mom? Why can’t he approach both, if he must? He’s not showing respect to your family if he’s assuming your dad speaks for everyone.

My boyfriend plans to ask my dad before marrying me not because he sees me as property, not because he wants to “make me his” because I currently “belong to my family”, but out of respect for my family and their wishes regarding my happiness, safety, and welfare. He knows that when he asks me, I’ll say yes, but if my dad were to tell him no, instead of going ahead and getting married, I’d want him to find out WHY. Asking the dad is simply seeking to ensure that the girl’s family approves of you – you could just as easily ask the girl’s mother, which I’ve known people to do and I know my boyfriend would do if my dad was out of the picture.

Parents always know what’s best for their children, and while they can’t stop her from marrying him if she wants to, they can still express their opinion – if her dad has a major problem with the guy that leads to him saying that they don’t have his blessing, obviously this problem is significant. If it was a mere personality clash that led the dad to say no, then he’d just be caring more about his pride than his daughter’s happiness, but a dad who cares about his daughter would look at whether she’d be happy, loved, appreciated, and safe in the relationship rather than his own pride. Obviously, assuming the dad in the song isn’t just being a jerk, there’s something wrong with the guy asking to marry the daughter and he genuinely doesn’t want the kid to marry her because he feels her happiness or safety would be jeopardized.

So instead of stopping to find out why her dad actually feels this way and trying to fix it, he decides that he doesn’t care – she’s in love with him, so obviously he’s entitled to her hand in marriage even though her family, the ones who have loved and cared about her since before she even met this guy, don’t approve. That’s what bothers me about the song. Why would you ask him if you’re not going to take his answer as constructive criticism? If my dad told my boyfriend “no”, I wouldn’t marry him until we get that sorted out, because obviously daddy would have a good reason for giving such an answer. I would never marry someone if my family didn’t approve, no matter how much I may love them or want to be with them, until we work out what ever the problem may be.

This kid in the song goes to the dad expecting everything to go easy-breezy – do the old-fashioned thing, make the dad happy, get brownie points because you asked him like you knew he would want you to. It doesn’t matter if you asked her or not yet, it really doesn’t – just because the dad gives his blessing doesn’t mean she’ll say yes, so the dad and boyfriend aren’t really deciding whether she’ll get married or anything. If she’s dating the guy then there’s no reason he can’t ask her to marry him, she ultimately has the final say.

Anyways, the dad says no, and the kid flips out and gets mad and decides he’s gonna marry her anyways, regardless what the dad says. That’s so rude, going and asking him just to make him happy and then not respecting his answer and trying to fix the thing about yourself that makes him disapprove. How do you know you don’t have a major temper problem that you’ve never noticed because it’s just your personality but he has noticed? There are tons of reasons why the dad might have said no, instead of just throwing a temper tantrum, writing a rude song about it, and then marrying her anyways, why not be the bigger person and take responsibility for your actions, find out why he doesn’t care for you, and work things out with him before casting him in the role of your father-in-law?

SP on July 7, 2014 at 11:59 PM “My boyfriend plans to ask my dad … out of respect for my family … you could just as easily ask the girl’s mother, which I’ve known people to do and I know my boyfriend would do if my dad was out of the picture.” Why does your dad have to be out of the picture for him to ask your mom? Why can’t he approach both, if he must? He’s not showing respect to your family if he’s assuming your dad speaks for everyone.

“My boyfriend plans to ask my dad … out of respect for my family … you could just as easily ask the girl’s mother, which I’ve known people to do and I know my boyfriend would do if my dad was out of the picture.”

Why does your dad have to be out of the picture for him to ask your mom? Why can’t he approach both, if he must? He’s not showing respect to your family if he’s assuming your dad speaks for everyone.

Marlo on April 14, 2014 at 8:29 PM Maybe – and of course we don’t know because that is conveniently left out of the song’s narrative – but supposing they did, why then go on with the patriarchal charade of “asking” the dad? Why not just announced their intention? Boss on April 16, 2014 at 6:08 PM I suppose some would call it, tradition, or the respectful thing to do. Funny, just watched Everybody loves Raymond and his brother, Robert, asked the girlfriends parents.for her hand in marriage, they said no. He proceeded to ask her ( Amy ) hand in marriage and she said yes, then she said, you should go ask my parents. Whats a guy to do. maybe write a song about it. FYI – I wouldn’t ask the parents first. I’d ask the girl then we’d conspire to ask the parents. And write a song about it. Justinho (@JCHennighan) on July 19, 2014 at 7:58 PM Because the dad is old-fashioned like it said in the song…

Maybe – and of course we don’t know because that is conveniently left out of the song’s narrative – but supposing they did, why then go on with the patriarchal charade of “asking” the dad? Why not just announced their intention?

Boss on April 16, 2014 at 6:08 PM I suppose some would call it, tradition, or the respectful thing to do. Funny, just watched Everybody loves Raymond and his brother, Robert, asked the girlfriends parents.for her hand in marriage, they said no. He proceeded to ask her ( Amy ) hand in marriage and she said yes, then she said, you should go ask my parents. Whats a guy to do. maybe write a song about it. FYI – I wouldn’t ask the parents first. I’d ask the girl then we’d conspire to ask the parents. And write a song about it.

I suppose some would call it, tradition, or the respectful thing to do. Funny, just watched Everybody loves Raymond and his brother, Robert, asked the girlfriends parents.for her hand in marriage, they said no. He proceeded to ask her ( Amy ) hand in marriage and she said yes, then she said, you should go ask my parents.

Whats a guy to do. maybe write a song about it.

FYI – I wouldn’t ask the parents first. I’d ask the girl then we’d conspire to ask the parents. And write a song about it.

Justinho (@JCHennighan) on July 19, 2014 at 7:58 PM Because the dad is old-fashioned like it said in the song…

Because the dad is old-fashioned like it said in the song…

Dad on April 14, 2014 at 12:58 AM Maybe he and the girl discussed this – after all, he’s gonna marry her anyways,

Maybe he and the girl discussed this – after all, he’s gonna marry her anyways,

SCREAMING IN ALL CAPS looks at popular culture through a feminist lens. We scream about things that piss us off. In all caps. You know, because women are shrill.

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