I don’t really watch reality TV, so I’ve successfully avoided seeing Bravo’s new series Online Dating Rituals of the American Male, which debuted in the spring.

Until tonight, that is. AND I COULDN’T LOOK AWAY.

The premise of the show is clearly outlined by its Captain Obvs title. Each hour-long episode follows two dudes as they navigate The World of Online Dating. It seems they are required to be dicks. This show should just be called The Douches of Tinder.

Like Brian. Brian is 33. He is a shitty artist. Brian’s body looks exactly like Michelangelo’s David, according to Brian. The Bravo description of the show generously posits that he has “put up walls after a breakup” which apparently is another way of saying “is terrible.” He sets up A STUDIO for his dick pics because HE IS AN ARTIST. Before dates, he meditates.

Here are all the actual horrible things this cartoon playboy said about/to real women during the course of the show:

“She’s 30, so I would never talk to this woman.”

“I like to play with a woman’s mind, it’s part of the game.”

“Her kneecaps are a little big.”

“I like a girl who can just shut up sometimes.”

“If a girl doesn’t like me, there’s obviously something wrong with her.”

“You know my type. Like, supermodels.”

“32. Old lady.”

“She talked me into picking her up which is something I NEVER do.” (AND THEN HE HONKED HIS HORN.)

“I think girls should wear high heels wherever they go.”

“When you’re sexting, you’re expected to delete the photos. But I keep them all.”

“I like to show up to a date early so I can be casually late.”

“I really like her legs, so we’ll see how this goes.”

“I was born gifted.”

“Do you think I’m attractive? Like, really attractive?”

“You have to go through a lot of trash.”

Jesus take the wheel. AND HE WONDERS WHY HE’S SINGLE. Happily, because there’s justice in the world, most of the ladies solidly rejected him. “I would not like to do this again at all,” said one. BURN.

In related news, check out what happens when a woman as the audacity to politely reject a guy. DOESN’T SHE KNOW SHE’S A 6!?