downloadWHO LET CHACHI SPEAK?

Over the weekend, answer-to-a-trivia-question Scott Baio decided to defend human Cheez-It Donald Trump on — where else? — Fox News.

See, his pal Donald got into some trouble Friday when the Washington Post released an audio clip from 2005 in which Trump can be heard casually bragging to former Access Hollywood host Billy Bush that he can grope women because he is famous.

“They let you do anything. Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything,” he said. (That noise you hear is all the women of Earth, collectively retching.)

Bush is heard giggling in the background because, you know, a powerful man joking about how his status entitles him to women’s bodies is HI-LAR-IOUS.

Bush’s current employer, NBC’s Today show, has suspended him. Trump, meanwhile, still gets to be the Republican presidential nominee, vying for the most powerful office in the world. A man who thinks bragging about sexual assault is no bigs. A man who has said many, many, many racist and misogynistic things. A man who thinks the U.S. presidential election is on Nov. 28.

Trump dismissed the clip as a distraction and his words as “locker room banter.” As for Baio, he’d really like it if us ladies could take it down a notch:

And ladies out there, this is what guys talk about when you’re not around. So if you’re offended by it, grow up, ok?

And, by the way, this is what you guys talk about over white wine when you have your brunches. So take it easy with the phoney outrage, this is the way the world works. It’s not a big thing.”

Yep, you sure got us pegged, Chach. That’s EXACTLY what we talk about. We ladies talk about grabbing women’s pussies and moving in on them like a bitch over white wine at brunch — once we get done talking about our periods, that is. Because nothing goes with sexual assault jokes quite like an eggs benny and a crisp pinot grigio, which we use to refuel after a long night of sexy naked sleepover pillow-fight fun time.

And yes, you’re right: the millions — MILLIONS — of women currently tweeting about their assaults at the hashtag #notokay, started by Canadian author/Twitter goddess Kelly Oxford, are definitely faux-outraged. Because sexual assault and rape culture are just things we made up for funsies.

Quoth another Joanie:

giphyWomen, because they are people and not just the female relatives of people, talk about a wide variety of things! Here’s a very short list of topics that would make for much more realistic white-wine-and-brunch banter:

• “What self-care are you engaging in so that you don’t walk into the sea due to the terrifying possibility of a Trump presidency?”

• “Have you heard/read/watched [CURRENT POP CULTURAL ITEM]?”

•  “But is [COMEDIAN AND/OR ACTRESS] feminist?”

• “Did you read [ENRAGING NEW STUDY AND/OR HOT TAKE]?”

•  “[CURRENT TREND]: yay or nah?”

• “Who the fuck is Scott Baio and why is he talking?”

• “I miss The Good Wife.”

You’ll notice a distinct lack of pussy-grabbing talk.

Also, this clip IS a big thing. It’s a big fucking scary thing. Brushing it off as “locker room banter” or any other variation on “boys will be boys” is dangerous. He is a PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEE, not Pepé Le Pew. This clip deserves our outrage. So, too, do the supposedly horrified Republicans who are JUST NOW all like, “Wait, maybe this guy is bad?”

Baio wasn’t wrong when he said “this is the way the world works.” This IS the way the world works: a man can be a disgusting garbage fire, and he may still get to be president.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be over here screaming into a stack of pancakes.